Ahhhh, the Fourth of July. It combines two things people are usually insistent about partying for: birthdays and patriotism (haven’t you ever been to NASCAR or Indy 500?).
It’s always a fun weekend, because usually it’s filled with sunshine, boats, a long weekend, and… you got it, beer. Or liquor. Or wine. Whatever way you swing, it’s pretty hard to go into July 5th feeling like your best self with a four day hangover. WOOF.
How do you recover from a weekend-long bender? Everyone has their tips and tricks. I wish there was a go-to cure for hangovers, but there isn’t. So we asked the Jukely staff for their home remedies to a long night out.
- Option 1: “Drugs, tons of drugs” (We’re talking liquid gel, fast-release painkillers here, people).
- Option 2: “You can’t spell hangover when you’re too drunk to spell. Continue the good fight.”
- Option 3: All the food: “Pho, Dim Sum, or a greasy cheesesteak… or late night falafel sandwich (preventative food intake… I see you)”
- Option 4: “Pickles… they’re cucumbers loaded with sodium (electrolytes), so it’s basically salt water in a sack. Sodium helps you retain water, and dehydration is what’s hurting your brain.” This one is my least favorite, and I attempted to omit it because pickles should have never been invented in the first place and I despise them.
I would say these are all valid options, and I vary in the extent to which I use each depending on the quantity and quality of what I consumed the night prior, but that’s for your regular, everyday hangover.
We’re not talking regular here, people. We’re talking about AMERICA’S BIRTHDAY. None of these options alone will be sufficient in curing your hangover, especially if you did the Fourth right and made our fore-founders simultaneously a little proud and a little disgusted.
The ultimate bender hangover cure is, in my opinion, as follows:
- Step 1: When you get home, before going to bed, challenge whoever is in your closest vicinity to a water chugging competition. Repeat 2-5 times with pint glasses.
- Step 2: Order drunk food. Nothing soaks up the alcohol like combatting it with carbs. I’m assuming, if you need this guide to fixing your hangover, you woke up to texts from the customer service rep at Seamless saying “Not answering… again? Can’t you just leave your door unlocked?” Moving onward.
- Step 3: If you wake up naturally at the crack of dawn after heavy drinking, that’s because your body has metabolized all the alcohol into sugar, and you essentially pounded a Halloween’s worth of candy into your system. You’ve got a sugar rush going, and that’s why you’re up early. The best thing you can do for yourself is chug more pints of water, and take a bunch of painkillers of your choosing. I prefer Advil, but that’s because I live in Manhattan, and it’s what my roommate has, and I can’t afford anything other than her hand-me-downs.
- Step 4: Before going back to sleep, delete all your messages while you’re probably still in bonus time. You’ll thank me for this later. Make sure your alarm has been set for work.
- Step 5: Sleep.
- Step 6: Wake up at a more reasonable hour and evaluate your progress. There are really two options here. If you’ve woken up feeling okay, you’re either about to get demolished by a late on-set hangover, or you beat it head on. If it’s the latter, you can stop reading this guide. If you’re already feeling like trash, continue:
- Step 7: Shower. I know you don’t want to. It seems like a lot of effort. It will make you feel better and cleaner. Put on clean clothes.
- Step 8: If you skipped step 7 (which I know some of you do), pack dry shampoo and deodorant in your work bag. You will need it later on.
- Step 9: Apply the greasiest or cheesiest fast breakfast food you can find. I usually recommend mac and cheese because I don’t believe in society restricting when we can eat certain foods.
- Step 10: Go to work and pretend like you got sun poisoning from being out in the sun all weekend. Wait until your boss inevitably goes home early. Follow suit.
Got a go-to tip or trick we missed? Let us know on Twitter.
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